I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
