Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
