Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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