perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
as a side note pls kill me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
