I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
