So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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