I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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