I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
