im about as happy as oj after his trial
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Four minutes until I can fart!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
