I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
