I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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