Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
