i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
