Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
