It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
