Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
