turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
