Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
