He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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