so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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