Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do vagina's smell?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
