Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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