so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
