toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
