Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
