Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
