I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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