Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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