this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
