Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
as a side note pls kill me
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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