Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
