Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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