at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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