Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
