god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
