I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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