Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
