Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
