the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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