i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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