so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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