I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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