toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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