your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
