obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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