Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
