I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
