Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
