Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
