Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
