Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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