We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
